The whisper of 38

I sit here writing this as my thirty eighth birthday is almost whispering in my ears, and have decided to write another of my reflective pieces considering what this year been has been like and what I would like the next one to bring. Last year after being asked what I would like the next year to bring I wrote about the jigsaw puzzle of life and hoping it would mean a key piece would fall into place, which was followed by finding a physical jigsaw piece sat on the bench at a local bus stop a few days later; I still have the piece and plan to frame it to remember this year and what it has brought.

So what has the last year brought? In the past people’s negative comments were like being shot with a loaded gun, with positive ones unable to stitch up the bullet holes and would end up being pricked by the needles of others that tried to as did not always have my best interests at heart. However, I have learnt over the last decade to deal and cope with health issues particularly with my mental health, i.e. depression and anxiety to poor body and self image, which this year although tested at times, including a tearful breakdown at Easter, I have bounced back from and have served to remind me why I nickname myself Zebedee (the Jack in the box in the Magic Roundabout) as I will bounce back from whatever life throws at me. I know now I am a strong woman despite my extreme sensitivity and I may hurt me initially but it will not stop me from saying ENOUGH I will dance in the rain as the thunder and lightning roar for they will not drown me or kill me.

Did I find that key piece of jigsaw? Yes is the shortest answer but it is far from simple. I started the year by reflecting back to my teenage years, as realised I needed to learn from my mistakes from then to the present to truly be in the present and dream the impossible dream of the future not yet written. By the age of around 15 I knew what mattered to me and the path I felt drawn to, yet let myself be swept in a series of waves without remembering I could swim and could do alone if necessary. Others made recommendations which I followed almost blindly, but that only lead me up dead ends, as I did not question them and thought they knew better than I did. The truth is only we know ourselves as only we walk this life with our knowledges, skills and experiences, thus walking another’s path is like wearing our neighbour’s high heels for ten miles and wondering why we have blisters all over our feet.

I have interests and passions that I no longer hide from as thought others would bully and/or hate me for more as well as accept me as a ragdoll made up of all my many experiences and adventures in life so far not an ogreous beast my head had painted. Through the clarity of the ragdoll now in my head I saw she was also symbolic of the support and help I give others and what I learnt from them, which is stiched together not with needles that will hurt me but with love from my closest of friends. For those that try to fire bullets now do so out of jealousy, envy and greed as do not like that another stands up for themselves and that of others; putting the voice of the abuser or bully to mute and turning up those that deserve to be heard. For this is my key piece, this is what and who I am to others and must do for myself too.

So what would I like the next year to bring? Well I knew a long time ago I would never have children of my own but my youngest niece reminds me of the magical innocence and imagination we can have in this world and exploring it at times together will keep me seeing it afresh and perhaps a touch less cynical (if that’s possible); her big sister I gave a copy of my favourite book, Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince), which I hope she learns to love as much as I do in time and the messages it contains. Life as well as a path, journey and jigsaw puzzle is also a maze, which I am near to finding the centre of mine as now know I am on the right path and after finding that key piece in the jigsaw I am certain it is.

I no longer want to build a wall to protect myself from the world, but breakdown them down all over the world and use the bricks to lay new paths for those stuck behind them through discrimination and prejudice. There are some that wallow in the pond of self pity but do not realise it takes part of their soul every time they do, which I try not to do as know my wings would be singed again and this phoenix is ready to fly far and wide this coming year. So watch out, watch me fly without fearing my wings will being clipped or hitting glass doors and I will soar further than I can ever dreamed I could.

© Fi S. J. Brown

 

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B.I.A.

I’m like the pieces of a broken glass vase,
So many shards that there is no glue to fix.
I’m dizzy from all the circles walked,
And the games from the amphitheatre,
Not able to escape.

I feel like all the paths ahead are blocked,
Filled with more false starts and wrong turns.
In the forest of my mind,
I’ve been looking for an axe,
To find where I belong.

Tired of jumping hoops and skipping beats,
As I try to play life by the rules,
Bitten by bugs growing in number at my feet,
And strangled by words in tears.
But believe it again echoes on.

I’m just the outsider watching the world,
And it seems like I’m forever to be sat in the wings.
I never wanted to be a leading lady,
But at least wanted to be on the script.

How many would walk a mile for a day in my shoes,
With a ball and chain that interrupts the rhythm.
Feeling like a bird who wants to fly,
But there is nobody to set her free.

Tired of jumping hoops and skipping beats,
Looking for a break but not in sanity.
Drained so that my battery is always red,
Why can it not be green like in nature,
With birds echoing believe it again.

Tired of jumping hoops and skipping beats,
Time to skip with hoops and jump to beats.
Rising like the phoenix one more time,
Burn down the trees and find that path,
Whilst singing believe it again.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Beating depression

Depression you will not beat me:

I shall turn your rhythm upside down and turn you into a happy song of colour not grey melancholy blues;

I shall sing a melody that echoes the birds outside my window and not that of a caged ones lament;

I shall survive with the lyrics written my left wrist and “believe it again” as their wisdom echoes within my soul;

I shall play it like Sam until my dying day and never give up on myself or others, or wave that flag of white.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Dreaming

You may hear the birds in an early evening sky,
I’m listening to the myths and legends they tell.
There’s a hidden truth to what they foresee,
I’m listening for change and hope for Earth.

You may see a world filled with many colours,
I’m painting a brave new one with my eyes.
There’s a fire up in the sky warning of danger,
I’m painting the signs with words and pictures.

You may feel frightened of the endless dark,
I’m reaching out to link our hand together.
Beyond the high hills troubles melt like snow,
I’m reaching for the top of its highest peak.

There’s a wish and a hope with every new day,
I’m dreaming for an end of the lies and spin.
Joining the other birds flying so high and far,
I’m dreaming of freedom far from this cage.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Dreaming

Hopes and Dreams

This week I hope for:

1. Peace in my mind
2. Health in my body
3. Love in my heart
4. Fire in my soul
5. Honesty in my words
6. Freedom of a bird
7. Music of an orchestra
8. Colours of an art gallery
9. Inspiration from nature
10. Wisdom of father time

© Fi S. J. Brown

Earthly Ponders (for Earth Day 2014)

These days it feels like humanity lives in an artificial world of our own creation. We take comfort in a world of concrete and clay, rather than with rivers and mountains. We have become drunk with our own superiority, toasting our successes with egos the size of forests, rather than content to be a bird in the tree. 

Equally, we are living, or should that be sleepwalking, in a virtual world to escape the realities and responsibilities of the world we can touch and feel. We are hooked on technology and gadgets like drugs to pacify and sedate us from seeing the true impact our greed and actions are having on the real world around us.

Furthermore, we want more and more, put a price on everything from hummus to hippos, hills and humans; will we ever learn to say stop before it is to late? Sadly there is no way to go back, as we are already stationary in our progress. We fill our lives material and disposable goods, losing originality, creativity and love.

So, what can we do. Focus on what matters, the people we love do not need to be showered with gifts for our love comes from our daily thoughts and actions. Stop the hate of others who are different to ourselves, respect and empathise. Finally, extend that to all other living species seen and unseen on Planet Earth.

© Fi S. J. Brown

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