My feet doing the talking

This quote is often attributed to Ghandi:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

It reminds me of the phrase actions are louder than words as we may talk a good talk but do we actually live by them? These days of social media it all too often that people can make themselves into what they want to be seen as by the world, in some ways reinvent what they may dislike about themselves or not have and be seen in a positive light or new way. Personally I do not see what the point is in doing so as at the end of the day the only person they are truly fooling is themselves. I do not pity them but more shake my head that they feel this is their only way. Equally life has a habit of catching out the liars and thieves, frequently biting them on the bum for doing so. I have been a believer in karma for a long time so let it do the hard work and not seek out to hurt another if they have hurt me or someone I love as know she will ring their bell, maybe not tomorrow but she will, and when does catch up with folks it is best to watch from afar as she does.

On this blog I often write about mental health, my story to experiences and journey so far in life. These are but words from my memories and thoughts, and never expecting anything in return from anyone; if I have made someone stop and think or helped them feel less alone then all good. However, I have also realised I needed to do something beyond my words to help end the stigma of mental health and help those that have no voice to speak up on it or how they feel due to it. Therefore I have decided that on the 1st of July 2018 I am going to let my feet do the talk for a change and walk 20k (12.4 miles) in aid of Scottish charity Support in Mind (Scotland)It is my chance to put these words and thoughts into actions and my habits of walking to ecotherapy to help with my mental health to become part of my destiny. I would be honoured if whoever reads this (if they haven’t already done so) to sponsor me via this link, but do not feel you have to and thanks in advance if you do as greatly appreciated.

I have not fully made up my mind yet but I am considering doing the walk (if not in part) without my wig (I have alopecia universalis) as part of my long term recovery from body dysmorphia as to me that is just as important as walking this walk for those who walk in silence every day as are frightened or abused by another to recovering from their own demons of the past and present. What matters to me is to do a challenge that says to me I can do whatever fate and destiny ultimately have determined my path to be; no matter what stones I may fall over along the way I will keep walking forward and not back as put the bed what has hurt me before and let karma play her games with them. Then I will enjoy the birdsong that reminds me of friends near and far that are walking beside me even if I cannot see them in person very often. I am but one person to change the world around me and ignore the doubters. Remembering it only takes one person to believe in us and when they do the domino effect rolls out on and on, near and far, and together we can change the world for the better.

© Fi S. J. Brown

feet

September third, 1990

Eight years ago this week I was writing about Roman fires as part of my PhD write up with a glass of red wine at my side, leftover from cooking my dinner earlier that evening, when an event I witnessed became a catalyst for something that I can only call a milestone in my life and fate wanted me to forever recall that very moment. Tonight I am sharing my photographs and digital art on social media as well as writing this piece, things I could only have dreamt that I could do, or that people would understand or follow them. However, it is none of these I am actually going to write on, instead it is something prompted by seeing children (re)start school after their summer break, which has reminded of the third of September 1990 when I changed schools, and the miserable seven years I had there.

As a child we are told repeatedly that our school days would be the happiest of our life, which made me question throughout my early childhood and into teenage years how miserable must life be as an adult if these are meant to be happy times! Perhaps in the more recent past they were more innocent times than then or even now to be a child, and those carefree days were led to be so happy as did not have the stresses and strains that adults experienced. I only need to look at pictures of my young nieces to worry about how sexualised the youngest is at five years old and posing like a woman four to five times here age in a bikini on a beach. The little carefree girl I played with last autumn seems a million miles from this wannabe model, a child stuck in an adult world, which in turn makes me wonder what world her and her sister will be part of as this ever changing world grows fifty shades greyer by the day.

Back in 1990 dressed almost head to toe in green (yes even my underwear had to be green) I entered a classroom with the stares of my fellow pupils and invisible sounds telling me it was not the place for me…perhaps the near accident the year before should have told me to listen to my instincts and run, but alas there was nowhere and nobody to turn to. I can still recall my classes that day, which included drama and German – giggling to myself at learning that Varter was German for father, which to my 11 ¾ year old ears sounded like farter and very appropriate for my dad! The school was different in how my old one had operated, but ultimately left me just as miserable as its predecessor with bullies and time on my own. My teachers however for the most part were excellent, and as someone that likes to learn thrived under ones like my Latin teacher that encouraged everyone no matter how good or bad you were. Her methods are ones I use myself whenever teaching or supporting someone, and still wish in part I had studied Latin at St Andrew’s University as I considered back in 1996 in tribute to her, but my PhD did involve the Romans so in a way I have done.

The impact of those year years left scars that even now I can feel throughout my body, but they are beginning to heal with the passing of time combined with good friendships that help me to see how naive and stupid the bullies were. I have achieved more than even I thought was possible when I packed my clarinet away and left them behind at the Usher Hall with a smile and the largest sigh of relief that had ever been heard in its corridors. This was just after being pushed off the platform while singing our school song and national anthem to say to me even in our final moments as pupils they did not accept me as one of their own. Ironically, I officially left a month before but had come back to play my clarinet at the request of the head of music, to which I had agreed as long as did not need to follow uniform restrictions to rehearsals! Even now I do not wish any of them ill or bad times, but as someone that knows karma eventually comes a knocking, it will do what needs to be done. My name in full is still one I struggle to own as tainted with the echoes of their laughter, but grown to prefer my shorter form as shows those that really know me to use it.

Going forward the echoes and laughter will eventually go as let the last scar heal, I promised myself I would not pick them. So what will the next eight years bring, twenty seven is far to hard to imagine…well as Coldplay sang – “You can take a picture of something you see. In the future where will I be? You can climb a ladder up to the sun. Or write a song nobody has sung. Or do something that’s never been done” – I intended to do them all and more as this woman can. What I have learnt is that there will always be some that judge and make assumptions, or make our lives hell as their own is not very good, but they do not know the real us and the best action is to show them we do not care to how far we have come.

© Fi S. J. Brown