Trick or Treat

Trick or treat
(Halloween is calling your name)
Trick or treat
(Autumn leaves falling fast)
Let us see the night stars
Ringing out across the universe

Get on your broomstick – we’re gonna fly tonight
Your eyes like ashes from the bonfires
I wanna paint the sky – with moonlight brushes
Gonna leave the tears behind
Getting out of this rat-race

Trick or treat
(Halloween is calling your name)
Trick or treat
(Autumn leaves falling fast)
Let us see the night stars
Ringing out across the universe

Grab your pumpkin lantern
We’re gonna fly tonight
We got liars to the right – we got apologists to the left
Sometimes I get so low – all I have are dreams
I wanna paint the sky
With moonlight brushes

Trick or treat
(Halloween is calling your name)
Trick or treat
(Autumn leaves falling fast)
Let us see the night stars
Ringing out across the universe

© Fi S. J. Brown

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The whisper of 38

I sit here writing this as my thirty eighth birthday is almost whispering in my ears, and have decided to write another of my reflective pieces considering what this year been has been like and what I would like the next one to bring. Last year after being asked what I would like the next year to bring I wrote about the jigsaw puzzle of life and hoping it would mean a key piece would fall into place, which was followed by finding a physical jigsaw piece sat on the bench at a local bus stop a few days later; I still have the piece and plan to frame it to remember this year and what it has brought.

So what has the last year brought? In the past people’s negative comments were like being shot with a loaded gun, with positive ones unable to stitch up the bullet holes and would end up being pricked by the needles of others that tried to as did not always have my best interests at heart. However, I have learnt over the last decade to deal and cope with health issues particularly with my mental health, i.e. depression and anxiety to poor body and self image, which this year although tested at times, including a tearful breakdown at Easter, I have bounced back from and have served to remind me why I nickname myself Zebedee (the Jack in the box in the Magic Roundabout) as I will bounce back from whatever life throws at me. I know now I am a strong woman despite my extreme sensitivity and I may hurt me initially but it will not stop me from saying ENOUGH I will dance in the rain as the thunder and lightning roar for they will not drown me or kill me.

Did I find that key piece of jigsaw? Yes is the shortest answer but it is far from simple. I started the year by reflecting back to my teenage years, as realised I needed to learn from my mistakes from then to the present to truly be in the present and dream the impossible dream of the future not yet written. By the age of around 15 I knew what mattered to me and the path I felt drawn to, yet let myself be swept in a series of waves without remembering I could swim and could do alone if necessary. Others made recommendations which I followed almost blindly, but that only lead me up dead ends, as I did not question them and thought they knew better than I did. The truth is only we know ourselves as only we walk this life with our knowledges, skills and experiences, thus walking another’s path is like wearing our neighbour’s high heels for ten miles and wondering why we have blisters all over our feet.

I have interests and passions that I no longer hide from as thought others would bully and/or hate me for more as well as accept me as a ragdoll made up of all my many experiences and adventures in life so far not an ogreous beast my head had painted. Through the clarity of the ragdoll now in my head I saw she was also symbolic of the support and help I give others and what I learnt from them, which is stiched together not with needles that will hurt me but with love from my closest of friends. For those that try to fire bullets now do so out of jealousy, envy and greed as do not like that another stands up for themselves and that of others; putting the voice of the abuser or bully to mute and turning up those that deserve to be heard. For this is my key piece, this is what and who I am to others and must do for myself too.

So what would I like the next year to bring? Well I knew a long time ago I would never have children of my own but my youngest niece reminds me of the magical innocence and imagination we can have in this world and exploring it at times together will keep me seeing it afresh and perhaps a touch less cynical (if that’s possible); her big sister I gave a copy of my favourite book, Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince), which I hope she learns to love as much as I do in time and the messages it contains. Life as well as a path, journey and jigsaw puzzle is also a maze, which I am near to finding the centre of mine as now know I am on the right path and after finding that key piece in the jigsaw I am certain it is.

I no longer want to build a wall to protect myself from the world, but breakdown them down all over the world and use the bricks to lay new paths for those stuck behind them through discrimination and prejudice. There are some that wallow in the pond of self pity but do not realise it takes part of their soul every time they do, which I try not to do as know my wings would be singed again and this phoenix is ready to fly far and wide this coming year. So watch out, watch me fly without fearing my wings will being clipped or hitting glass doors and I will soar further than I can ever dreamed I could.

© Fi S. J. Brown

 

A Slovakian Escape

Flying to Slovakia my journey was high above the clouds so could not sense where I was physically was passing over, but I felt like a bird finally free and spreading my wings. As I came to land it was as though I was going through ice caps, the clouds did not look fluffy but irregular blocks of ice, and I was about to enter Atlantis.

Upon arrival it hit me what it must be like to not understand any word of a language, I had not looked at my Slovak phrasebook that much, but there was English alongside them. It felt like old and new meeting at once, the Slovak words making me curious not just to their sound but the traditions and people of the country I now stood.

Bratislava herself made my eyes feel at first like I had stepped into a television, so many advertisements along my path. However, her charm is something to behold, with an old town of architecturally stunning buildings and a majestic river, which at sunset was as turned my breath to light and shone over all it was touching.

The views from Bratislava castle were like seeing a new friend opening their arms and giving a giant hug, knowing I could trust her with my every word and step. The bridges made me feel I could achieve my goals, the high towers felt like I could build a life here and the red roofs, an eternal warmth of love not danger was in this city.

The Danube herself sung and danced whenever I saw her. My first impression was Strauss was right with his famous piece. An art gallery (Danubiana) sits in the middle of the river; inside was like walking on water among some incredible works of art, the statues outside felt like his guardians of all forms of Earthly life.

The trip to Plavecky hrad (castle) is a story in itself through a magnificent forest and up a steep hill to reach her ruins but rewarded with views (although hazy) worth every step of the climb. No cold and ghostly feelings from the castle herself, but a tree overlooking the view felt like the final guard to keep the ruins safe.

The day trip to Vienna along the Danube at first was spoilt, for when entering Austrian waters a fog descended, which as it lifted felt like Styx had been steering the boat. I have travelled to Austria before, the richness of the architecture to the German language made me feel like I was now in familiar but foreign ground

Upon going to leave I cried, not just in sadness to say goodbye to Blanka but to this “little big city” that had left a big impression on me and I had left a little part of me there. The flight back among the patterns of black and orange across Slovakia, Czech Republic, Germany, Netherlands and finally to the UK. I will return soon I hope.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Bratislava

Danubiana

Plavecky Hrad