Summer Storms

The thunder with its rumbling tummy has finally been fed,
It is tired after playing catch with lightning across the sky.
Clattering over rooftops of houses and up lanes of towns,
Like a herd of invisible horses hooves trampling the clouds.
Bursting them open with a blinding light of purple haze,
That caused the rain to fall in muted teardrops like a clown.
Touching the hearts of windowpanes and soaking humans,
As curse the games up in the sky for leaving them so wet.
But a sick man from his hospital bed joins in the silent tears,
As his fevered brain calms again and counts his blessings.
In the woodlands trees stretch out their branches so wide,
Hoping to score points by catching the drops to its leaves.
Where as the deserts beg and plead for just one drop to fall,
Like a miracle prayer to someone who lives beyond the sky.
Cows out in fields turn their noses upward silently inhaling,
A perfume that comes after a storm that reassures all is well.
The farmer’s daughter shuts her curtains for the final call,
As the thunder goes to sleep and will play again another day.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Being sorry

From our youngest of days we learn right from wrong,  please and thank you, and to acknowledge when wrong with I’m sorry. Despite this some never learn these lessons, and can make life a living hell for others as a result as do not see any reason to be polite or show respect to another human being. Bullying to abuse as hurt and humiliate to mock and tease someone for daring to be different to us, and therefore must be the one in the wrong not us!

Like a house the foundations nobody sees but we know our flaws to weaknesses. Most only ever see the outside of a house; some may admire it, others maybe jealous of how it appears and there are those that would never give it a second glance, just as they do with us. Few do we let in the door, just as few we choose to let close to see our inner selves, know our true personalities, like how we choose to decorate our house as a way of expressing our personalities. There is no right or wrong house, just as we are all different.

Expecting an apology from someone that has hurt us can be like waiting for a bus to come using a timetable from twenty years ago and assuming all is the same now as was then. Yet would any of us years later be brave enough to acknowledge our mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and even apologise for our behaviour that seemed normal, but may have been a juvenile joke that got out of hand, believed wrongly as someone held a different belief to our own made them a figure of hate or a medical condition made them nuts or stupid.

Yet there is person in our lives that we never hear an apology from but now again and again but would be good not for ego but for them to acknowledge their mistake, just to see how far we have come to get where we are now. Who is this person? It is ourselves of course. For we never say thank you to our bodies to inner strengths for getting us through hard times but may acknowledge those that supported us while our heads were filled negatives to relief something is over, without ever apologising to ourselves for not trusting we could do it or survive when darkness howled louder than any owls.

Looking at a selfie I took when out walking on New Year’s Day I began to cry. Not for thinking I looked like an ogre or the negative thoughts of old (my own to those that hurt me) but in apology to my younger self for being so hard and judgemental I was to her, in ways I would never have done or would do to another living being. Through my tears I repeated the phrase I’m sorry, I wanted to hold myself in a huge hug and say it is okay, the patchwork doll is content in the present. We really can be our own worst enemies.

Perhaps as we start this new year instead of resolutions of what we want to change in ourselves we should stop and forgive ourselves for being unduly hard or not believing in us in the past or even now as frustrated at something or someone. Therefore, going forward remember we cannot change what has gone but can lay foundations in the future that is whispering in the wind, and take it one step at a time to get there no matter how hard it can seem today.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Halloween

It never fails to surprise me what companies pass for as “Halloween costumes”, often using them as a way to laugh at a group of people that are part of society. One I have found over the years repeating is the “mental health patient”. So I decided this year, if you can’t beat them, join them.

This is the result – a picture of me as a mental health patient. Is it what you were expecting, oh no blood stains, straight jacket or crazy eyes. Can you not see the tears I cried for a week when I took this picture? Or the negative thoughts that ate away at me as I tried to enjoy the autumn sun? Also, how many years it took me to smile and take a photograph? This is what depression and anxiety can look like not those costumes you can buy.

We use costumes and masks to hide pain and sometimes the real us. Trying be happy as someone told us to “cheer up, what’s the worst that can happen”!? Personally, I am through with hiding behind them and scared of the stigma of others, they are part of the colours that make me but do not define me. So dress up tonight if you like, but be yourself tomorrow, shine on every day to end the darkness and break down walls of ignorance.

© Fi S. J. Brown

The Last Rose

She is now the solitary rose of summer,
All alone in the evening sun’s lonely slumber.
Her friends now gone are but memories,
Only footnotes captured in someone’s pictures.

Never to become part of a wedding bouquet,
But made that garden special every single way.
Hearts and souls of many she has touched,
With a fragrant pale pink sweetness they loved.

Counting the days till all her petals will fall,
As the trees’ leaves change for the autumn ball.
Each one a tear over another summer gone,
Will anyone remember her as the world carries on?

© Fi S. J. Brown

Letter to self

Dear Fiona (aged 22 and 3/4s),
I am writing to you from fourteen years in your future and have managed to scrape through to 36.75, sometimes you’ll wonder how but have learnt to focus on the present not past to pains that still scar but are covered in patches sewn by the love of friendship and think of the future but only see a cold and dark tunnel.

You are coming to the end of your time living in Aberdeen, having studied for a degree and a masters, but not sure what direction you want to go next. Well here’s a spoiler, you have another masters and PhD to go but they’re not listening to your inner voice, which you only learn with hindsight and life experience.

A freak that is the love child of Frankenstein and the Hunchback of Notre Dame is how you feel, right? Wrong, by my time you have grown to accept and appreciate who you are. No you haven’t resorted to drastic measures to change every iota of yourself as per those nightmaresque dreams you always have.

The reason for this letter is to say, you’re doing just fine. Yes, the way your life goes is not like others but that’s why life’s journey is unique and special, we can empathise and understand that of others but only we know our path. And yes it does hurt, do cry but do also try to focus on the positives that are part of that journey.

As to where you’re going to be at the age that I am now? Lets just say frustration on some things never change, no matter what we do these seem set to plague us but some will change. No matter how they seem today, like the newspapers that are tomorrows fish and chip wrappers, let them fade with the sun setting.

One final thing thing, you’re a strong woman that keeps going longer than any Duracell bunny ever could. So dry those tears that fall, not hard with your hand, but with a tissue and let yourself feel them like drops on a drum for they’re the rhythm of your heart and soul. And don’t give up, believe it again, carry on forwards.

Love Fi (aged 36.75) xx

Raindrops

Raindrops are the tears we cannot hide from. They fall from above, touching our faces or tapping on windows, almost hoping someone will stop to hear their story. We often look up to the sky with disgust, cursing not again, which only makes it worse or it stops to hide away, as nobody tries to understand or listens. When someone cries with depression, each tear is like a raindrop falling; so telling someone to stop crying or go away as too busy to deal with them, is not an answer. Just as we want to shelter from the rain or the sun to return, with depression it is wanting to be happy like the sun, but hoping for good friends or family being to be the shelter to give support and understanding.

© Fi S. J. Brown

raindrops

A message to all on Planet Earth

Take away these our tears hidden deep from within,

Let them rain down on our faces like drops on leaves.

Please release their power, pain, fear and sadness,

From pains past that leave scars that only we know.

Stop the endless wars with streams of bloody hate,

Replace with rivers of love to flow between us all.

Note it is not to some divine being we ask this of,

But each other across the world, wherever we are.

Here is our white flag and hear our united words,

Enough, peace on Earth, to life that calls it home.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Twenty words for life

I was asked recently, if you could only speak twenty words for the rest of your life, what words would head your list and why? I thought it was a great thing to ponder, probably nearly impossible to come up with only twenty with reasons. So with thanks to a pot of trusty Earl Grey, I came up with my list, and here it is:

1. and 2. Please and Thanks – They may be thought of as basic manners but they express gratitude without measure or cost;

3. Appreciate – To acknowledge how special someone or something is in our lives, that we would miss if we did not have them/it;

4. Accept – To allow ourselves and those in our lives to be who they are without judgement is a truly wonderful thing;

5. Friend – That special presence in our lives that over time creates a jigsaw piece of them in our hearts and minds;

6. Instinct – We should trust our inner voice, not let everyone we meet close as do not always have the best intentions;

7. Time – We should not put off something till tomorrow, wish we could relive a specific memory or that an event will come;

8. Smile – Something we can all do easily, can change someone else’s day, yet we often forget it also can make our own;

9. Beautiful – Too many are quick to find fault in others, and it is far harder to give a genuine compliment such as this says

10. Love – It does not have to mean what we read in fairy tales, but a special bond with others or the union of body and mind;

11. Nature – There is something about being out with the world we create to being around what is there living it’s life with us;

12.Thinking – So much of life these days is rushed, but it is good to take time to think things over before an action is taken;

13. Tears – Not all that falls from our eyes is a bad thing, as can be a sign of relief after much pain or happiness at good news;

14. Music – The sounds that are so special that they almost decorate our memories in an aural way with or without words;

15.  Hugs – That feeling when something with a heartbeat (it does not have to be human) physically touches us is incredible;

16. Colour – Planet Earth is a paint pallet of different animals, vegetables and minerals that become artworks in our minds;

17. Look – Our sight is a wonderful gift and eyes take in so much, but sometimes we do not notice or appreciate what is around us;

18. and 19. Read and Write – Two things we can learn, opening up new worlds, but we often fail to see their greatness or power;

20. Journey – Life is full of twists and turns, adventures to be had, and think of it like a river not a straight line from A-B.

© Fi S. J. Brown