Life – The Unwritten Rules

1. Forget whatever rules you’ve been told before, this your life and can lead it whichever way you want to. That is except if you hurt another living being by physical, mental, or emotional means to get what you think you should have as greed, envy, and jealous individually and collectively will taunt and tease you to get their way.
2. Normal is different for everyone; for example your body may not look like those in a magazine or on a website but neither do the people they are of as manipulated to someone else’s idea of ‘perfect’ or ‘normal’. Equally, an anatomy and physiology book shows a human body, but does not allow for variations that make you human.
3. Beauty is everywhere, but requires all our senses to truly experience it; for example using the eyes of a child experiencing the world for the first time, if something feels wrong trust that instinct as far better than burnt fingers for not doing so, and actively listen but never judge or be too busy as never know when you may need to back.
4. Very little is truly black or white, it is that murky bit between where all lies, the real fifty shades of grey. So do not assume or disregard something you have never experienced as trivial or unimportant; even if you have, the way you did and how will never be the same as another as have your own skills, genes, and experiences of life.
5. When trying to wait for a signal to do something, do not put it off for another day or except another to help you. The signal to do it is when you realise this is it. Do not try to run or expect success straight away, take your time and listen to advice from others but remember it is just that and not a fullproof recipe of must follow steps.
6. Time is a healer so do not expect someone else to ‘just get over it’ as no idea how deep the scars (visible and invisible lie). With passing days to years it may fade into the distance but equally it can be like an old record stuck playing the same line again and again with no way to make it stop unless you stop iy yourself.
7. Money cannot buy happiness and success, as with everything else these are determined by yourself and not by others. In many ways it makes you dance to the beat of someone else’s drum as you follow their golden carrots, but are invetiably fools gold and only serve to make the puppet masters richer and richer.
8. Lessons are not confined to classrooms and books, in many ways you will learn more through life’s journey than can be taught by another. When rocks block your path don’t try to kick them but try carving them into something to take with you to show you how far you’ve come or roll them slowly and steadily away.
9. Everyone makes a mistake, admitting to them when they happen is best as the lies become as twisted as the roots of trees they become and create shadows that hang over you. When the tree eventually falls it is not just you that will be hurt as it does, tripping up over the now exposed roots, no mistake (great or small) is worth it.
10. The meaning of life is difficult but simple too. Life is an ever changing, ever evolving experience. Each day is full is full of patterns you may recognise but new ones come in to colour in that pattern or change the shape of it so not the same as it was before. Adapting to this constant similarity and change is key.

© Fi S. J. Brown

September third, 1990

Eight years ago this week I was writing about Roman fires as part of my PhD write up with a glass of red wine at my side, leftover from cooking my dinner earlier that evening, when an event I witnessed became a catalyst for something that I can only call a milestone in my life and fate wanted me to forever recall that very moment. Tonight I am sharing my photographs and digital art on social media as well as writing this piece, things I could only have dreamt that I could do, or that people would understand or follow them. However, it is none of these I am actually going to write on, instead it is something prompted by seeing children (re)start school after their summer break, which has reminded of the third of September 1990 when I changed schools, and the miserable seven years I had there.

As a child we are told repeatedly that our school days would be the happiest of our life, which made me question throughout my early childhood and into teenage years how miserable must life be as an adult if these are meant to be happy times! Perhaps in the more recent past they were more innocent times than then or even now to be a child, and those carefree days were led to be so happy as did not have the stresses and strains that adults experienced. I only need to look at pictures of my young nieces to worry about how sexualised the youngest is at five years old and posing like a woman four to five times here age in a bikini on a beach. The little carefree girl I played with last autumn seems a million miles from this wannabe model, a child stuck in an adult world, which in turn makes me wonder what world her and her sister will be part of as this ever changing world grows fifty shades greyer by the day.

Back in 1990 dressed almost head to toe in green (yes even my underwear had to be green) I entered a classroom with the stares of my fellow pupils and invisible sounds telling me it was not the place for me…perhaps the near accident the year before should have told me to listen to my instincts and run, but alas there was nowhere and nobody to turn to. I can still recall my classes that day, which included drama and German – giggling to myself at learning that Varter was German for father, which to my 11 ¾ year old ears sounded like farter and very appropriate for my dad! The school was different in how my old one had operated, but ultimately left me just as miserable as its predecessor with bullies and time on my own. My teachers however for the most part were excellent, and as someone that likes to learn thrived under ones like my Latin teacher that encouraged everyone no matter how good or bad you were. Her methods are ones I use myself whenever teaching or supporting someone, and still wish in part I had studied Latin at St Andrew’s University as I considered back in 1996 in tribute to her, but my PhD did involve the Romans so in a way I have done.

The impact of those year years left scars that even now I can feel throughout my body, but they are beginning to heal with the passing of time combined with good friendships that help me to see how naive and stupid the bullies were. I have achieved more than even I thought was possible when I packed my clarinet away and left them behind at the Usher Hall with a smile and the largest sigh of relief that had ever been heard in its corridors. This was just after being pushed off the platform while singing our school song and national anthem to say to me even in our final moments as pupils they did not accept me as one of their own. Ironically, I officially left a month before but had come back to play my clarinet at the request of the head of music, to which I had agreed as long as did not need to follow uniform restrictions to rehearsals! Even now I do not wish any of them ill or bad times, but as someone that knows karma eventually comes a knocking, it will do what needs to be done. My name in full is still one I struggle to own as tainted with the echoes of their laughter, but grown to prefer my shorter form as shows those that really know me to use it.

Going forward the echoes and laughter will eventually go as let the last scar heal, I promised myself I would not pick them. So what will the next eight years bring, twenty seven is far to hard to imagine…well as Coldplay sang – “You can take a picture of something you see. In the future where will I be? You can climb a ladder up to the sun. Or write a song nobody has sung. Or do something that’s never been done” – I intended to do them all and more as this woman can. What I have learnt is that there will always be some that judge and make assumptions, or make our lives hell as their own is not very good, but they do not know the real us and the best action is to show them we do not care to how far we have come.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Time to smile

There is a saying that time is the greatest healer, and I would totally agree with it. What seems like a major incident today is but a footnote on our life’s story. In 2006 I hid the pain of depression inside and sometimes self harming my feet, I looked older than the almost 28 years I was suppose to then be. We are now in 2015, I let go of what hurt me and try not let today’s pains stick, setting them free as the sun sets. I am happier now within than I have ever felt previously. So whatever is making the world seem black, focus on the good things and keep the colour in focus. Remember we all have scars from where this world has bitten us, but it is now time to bite back.

© Fi S. J. Brown

Tick tock, Tick tock

Tick tock, tick tock, packs of metal animals go hunting night and day.

Tick tock, tick tock, humans march forwards blinded by an invisible light.

Tick tock, tick tock, time enslaves by synchronising heartbeats as one.

Tick tock, tick tock, everything has a price and anything can be bought.

Tick tock, tick tock, another tree and animal dies leaving Earth forever.

Tick tock, tick tock, sirens are ringing but deafened by television sets.

Tick tock, tick tock, concrete jungles become cages with invisible bars.

Tick tock, tick tock, it is no longer survival of the fittest but the richest.

Tick tock, tick tock, the final alarm bells are ringing to try wake them up.

Tick tock, tick tock…

© Fi S. J. Brown

Twenty words for life

I was asked recently, if you could only speak twenty words for the rest of your life, what words would head your list and why? I thought it was a great thing to ponder, probably nearly impossible to come up with only twenty with reasons. So with thanks to a pot of trusty Earl Grey, I came up with my list, and here it is:

1. and 2. Please and Thanks – They may be thought of as basic manners but they express gratitude without measure or cost;

3. Appreciate – To acknowledge how special someone or something is in our lives, that we would miss if we did not have them/it;

4. Accept – To allow ourselves and those in our lives to be who they are without judgement is a truly wonderful thing;

5. Friend – That special presence in our lives that over time creates a jigsaw piece of them in our hearts and minds;

6. Instinct – We should trust our inner voice, not let everyone we meet close as do not always have the best intentions;

7. Time – We should not put off something till tomorrow, wish we could relive a specific memory or that an event will come;

8. Smile – Something we can all do easily, can change someone else’s day, yet we often forget it also can make our own;

9. Beautiful – Too many are quick to find fault in others, and it is far harder to give a genuine compliment such as this says

10. Love – It does not have to mean what we read in fairy tales, but a special bond with others or the union of body and mind;

11. Nature – There is something about being out with the world we create to being around what is there living it’s life with us;

12.Thinking – So much of life these days is rushed, but it is good to take time to think things over before an action is taken;

13. Tears – Not all that falls from our eyes is a bad thing, as can be a sign of relief after much pain or happiness at good news;

14. Music – The sounds that are so special that they almost decorate our memories in an aural way with or without words;

15.  Hugs – That feeling when something with a heartbeat (it does not have to be human) physically touches us is incredible;

16. Colour – Planet Earth is a paint pallet of different animals, vegetables and minerals that become artworks in our minds;

17. Look – Our sight is a wonderful gift and eyes take in so much, but sometimes we do not notice or appreciate what is around us;

18. and 19. Read and Write – Two things we can learn, opening up new worlds, but we often fail to see their greatness or power;

20. Journey – Life is full of twists and turns, adventures to be had, and think of it like a river not a straight line from A-B.

© Fi S. J. Brown